In Which Kat Expresses Her Feelings With Green Slime And Weed Killer. Lots Of It. And Johnny Depp(s)

It was a tired and boring day at the Opera d'Junior High, in the house on the lake. It had been a long time since they'd discovered the Phantom's lair and her eccentric ways. They in fact had found that they knew her pretty well, especially Messieurs Max Giry and Ben d'NNLF. (Ben kept finishing her sentences. Or she finished his. And Max and her sometimes acted like clones of each other. This can be regarded as proof, or just madness.) Gabe and Spencer were enjoying themselves, playing Alaskan baseball outside the house on the shore of the lake. The J.G., Max, and Ben were sitting bored on the couch in the house.

Max was writing on a paper plate. Ben was filming Max writing on said plate. The J.G. - they mostly called her Kat - had an iPod playing show tunes at full blast, and was leaning back, an expression of deep something or other that no one could identify on her face. It was deep, anyhow. Max moved a paper plate to the right. Ben moved his tripod accordingly.

Max moved the plate.

Ben moved the tripod.

Plate.

Tripod.

Plate.

Tripod.

"GAK!"

Max had accidentally sat on top of Kat. "You two!" She roared, furious, "I can't believe you! You shock me! I was just sitting here, listening, perfectly innocently, to Oliver, Oliver, never before 'as a boy wanted more, and you just. . .sit on me!"

"Uh oh," Gabe whispered to Spencer, watching, "she's lost it now."

"How can you tell?"

"Italics. . .Leroux!Erik used them when he was mad at Christine all the time. . ."

"Soo. . one of them's Christine?"

"NO!" Yelled all three of trio lying on the sofa. After a beat, Kat and Ben glanced at each other. "Haven't I told you not to do that?"

"Lovely weather we're having."

Kat moaned, got out from under Max, dumped him on the floor (he squeaked, everyone covered their ears) and flopped face down onto the floor, muttering something about Johnny Depp and Boq and fedoras. Max glancecd at Ben. Ben glanced at Spencer. Spencer glanced at Gabe. Gabe glanced at Max. Max poked Kat wih one toe. Kat let out a long, high, wailing, eldritch - and by that we mean bloody peculiar - keening wail. Ben looked vaguely worried. Spencer dug a trenchcoat out from behind the desk and dropped it over her.

Small snuffling sounds came from inside the coat, and it began to shake. Everyone looked at eachother. Gabe looked at the ceiling. And just when Max bent down to lift the trenchcoat and talk to Kat -

She rose majestically, and made her way to the sofa, wrapped in trenchcoat and an inexplicable piece of plaid material. "Arrrmoooaaanera. . ." Said the J.G..

"Wait, what?"

"It means she's depressed," said Spencer, as if it was obvious, which to him, it was. "Honestly. . ."

"We could always call in Gerry!Phantom or Kay!Erik. They usually make her laugh. Or squee. Or both." Max went on to contemplate if you could laugh while squeeing. He reached a conclusion which is best explained by that Ben was the only one who could explain it.

Speaking of a certain magician and independent film maker. . .it was at this point that his mother poked her head in, remarking sensibly, "Can't you see what's wrong?"

All the boys stared blankly at her.

"Haagen Daz."

"Um. What?"

"She needs Haagen Daz. The refuge of the depressed female, especially in bad movies, especially when played by a pop star who can't act." The Sane Personage read from her pocket dictionary, which Kat had spontaneously blessed her with. It had "Offical Sane Personage" engraved on the cover in the font of the PotJH wallpaper, whatever that was, and a carving of a mask and a rose in one corner, next to a pair of jeans. (This was the J.G. logo.) And of course, she will recieve this at the same time you all get your promised baked goods, iguanas, and undying love.

"Oh." They sent Gabe off to find some Haagen Daz, and while they waited, Kat began to sing quietly and very off key.

"My spirit longs for theeeeeee. . .within my troubled breast, though I unworthy be, of so divine a guest. . .of sooo divine a guest, unworthy though I beeee, yet has my heart no rest. . .unless it come from thee. . ."

She finished the random hymn, and started humming. Off key. Suddenly, Ben jumped up.

"I know that song! That's 'On My Own!'"

"Yes," the J.G. said formally, and disappeared under the trenchcoat, humming. Ben and the SP started humming as well. They were all on different keys, though, and were producing quite a discordance by the time Gabe got back, so that even the infamously unmusical Max was clutching his ears and moaning.

"Hey, how many Tim Burton movies is Johnny Depp in anyway?" Spencer rather tangentially asked Gabe. Gabe shrugged, and handed the ice cream to Kat. She moved in on it like ten wolves on a fold, circled it, pounced, and it disappeared into the coat. The conversation about Depp and Burton raged outside the coat, but Kat didn't care. However, due to a wormhole in space time, the words "Johnny Depp" got into the trenchcoat and started bouncing about, giggling hauntingly. They made their way into Kat's mind. . .

There was a bellow of fury from within the trenchcoat. Max yelped in fury and jumped onto Ben, who fell over. "You know, Max, this is the second time today you've sat on someone."

"I know, Ben."

They got up, brushed themselves off, and witnessed Gabe being berated furiously by Kat, and shrinking with every scolding. "CHOCOLATE! HOW DARE YOU GET CHOCOLATE! YOU KNOW I LIKE VANILLA!" She hollered, fury radiating from her every pore. Then green slime started radiating from her every pore. It wasn't terribly icky green slime, just a sort of nice, cooling, aromatic green slime, that smelled rather like Aveda's rosemary shampoo. Kat sank down into a heap of it, more depressed than ever.

Max glanced at Ben. Ben glanced at SP. SP glanced at Spencer. Spencer glanced at Gabe. Gabe glanced at Jack Sparrow.

"Wait, what? Oh. Hello, Jack."

"Cap'n."

"Right."

"Hey," Spencer said, "I have an idea. . .since so many manifestations of Johnny Depp are showing up, due to. . .um, not sure what. . .let's have them. . ." Huddling, the boys and single grown woman began whispering conspirit - conspiriat - conspirireat - secretly.

After a few moments. . .

"Okay then! Everyone who suspiciously has the same face, dig yourself out of the slime and get onstage!" Gabe yelled.

The Depps complied. They now constituted Sam, Edward, Willy, Jack, Gilbert, Mort, and James. All looking, if Kat does say so herself, dreadfully squeeful.

"Ben, pass out the hats."

To each Depp an Eponine hat was duly given.

"Um..." said Sam, trying to be polite.

"Ewwww." Complained Willy, not trying to be polite in the slightest.

In an attempt to put it on his head, Edward sliced the hat to shreds and looked sadly up at the others.

"Seriously," said Max comfortingly," I think it looks good on you. All of you, I mean... Well, maybe not on Willy Wonka... or Edward Scissorhands... Ick... I’d hate to see what you’d do to the trenchcoat. . ."

"Eponine's or Kat's?"

"Either."

It was at this point that another Depp entered, dramatically, as Depps are wont to do.

"Hey... who’re these guys?"

"Hurray! It’s Tom Hanson from 21 Jump Street! Ooh, line up and put on a ‘Ponine hat!" Ben looked rather happy about the prospect of whatever it was that was going to happen, which we still don't know.

"Okay, the Johnny Depp Chorus!" Announced Max, "Eight men who all look startlingly alike in their rendition of... On My Own from Less Miserably."

"Lay Miz-err-aub," Ben put in testily, enunciating carefully.

"Whatever."

And the Depps began to sing.



Edward Scissorhands:

And now I’m all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to

Gilbert Grape:

Without a home, without a friend
Without a face to say “hello” to -
I know a boy whose name is Arnie
He’s gonna turn eighteen and have a big party -

"Good for him. Wrong song, though. But I love that rhyme. Arnie and party..."



Mort Rainey:

And now the night is near
Now I can make believe he’s here...
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else including my ex-wife and dog is sleeping
I think of... him... and then I’m happy
With the company I’m keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside... my head.



"Weird how this works for schizophrenic killers as well as lovesick whiny teenage girls."

"Don't knock the lovesick whiny teen girls."

"Sorry, Kat."



Tom Hanson:

On my own,
Pretending he’s beside me
All alone
I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way
I close my eyes and he has found me...



"That’s either gay or referring to his dad."

"His dad."

"Phew."



Jack Sparrow:

In the rain
The ocean shines like silver
All the undead pirates
Are skeletal in the moonlight

James Barrie:

In the darkness
The trees are full of starlight!
And all I see is Peter Pan and me forever and forever

Mort Rainey:

And I know it’s only in my mind
That I’m talking to myself
And not to him

Sam:

And although
I know that her brother is blind
Still I say there’s a way for us!
I love her

Ichabod Crane:

But when the night is over
He is gone
The river’s just a river
Without him
The world around me changes
The trees are bare and filled with decapitated heads
And everywhere
The streets are full of strangers



"Gasp! Another Johnny Depp! I love him!"

"Shut up, Kat! You don't want to be a conformist fangirl, do you?"

"Yes. No. Yes. No. Um."



Mort Rainey:

But everyday I’m learning
All my life
I’ve only been pretending
Without me
His world would go on turning
A world that’s full of happiness
That I have never known!

All Johnnys And PotJH Company:

I love him/her
I love him/her

I love him/her

But only on my own. . .

Jack Sparrow:

AND REALLY BAD EGGS!



"C'mon, Kat. . .lighten up."

"No."

"Have some creme brulee."

"No."

"Have a biscuit."

"NO."

"Have some weed killer."

"I'm going on a rampage."

"Carry on."

---

ATTENTION!

Much of this was stolen from a fan fiction by Ms. Les Mis Loony. She gets full credit. Her fanfiction is "The New Production," and it's a blend of PotO and Les Miserables. It's brilliant. Go read it.

I remain, gentlemen, your faithful and obedient servant,

J.G.