Text Recognition, Susan Kay's Phantom Quotes, Princess Bride, And Other Miracles Of Modern Life

And your random Erik and Nadir moment for the day is thusly:

Nadir: But ... but people must have been killed!

Erik: Oh, yes ... I daresay that's quite likely! It's really very difficult to be a murderer without killing people from time to time, you know.

And scene.

But anyhow. I am now writing a rather long parody of PotO, using the original stage libretto. We have no Christine to speak of, Max as Raoul. . .um hum. So until further notice, the part of Christine will be played by. . .Cary Elwes.

Cary Elwes: As you wish.

Max: (Blink.) Hey. You're the one from Princess Bride, right?

Cary: Yes. The guy with the sword. Not the Mandy Pattinkin one. The one that dies. And then doesn't die. And is the Dread Pirate Roberts. Yes indeed.

Moving on. Now that we're all cast. . .let's do this!

Cast For First Scene In Order Of Speaking

Ben - Auctioneer

Gabe - Porter

Max - Raoul

---

One. Two. Three.

Lights. Camera. Action.

Places. Thank you, places.

You're on in forty-two.

---

KAT:
Everybody ready? Places? Excellent!

MAX:
I really don't like this idea. . .

BEN:
You're not alone. . .Oh, hey, we get top hats.

The Paris Opera, 1919. The Opera is cold and dark. Ooh, spiders. . .pretty spiders. No one seems to notice the sinister air of the place. . .Ben stands at a podium. Below him Max is comfortably settled. In a wheelchair. Ok, so maybe he doesn't look too well.

BEN:
Sold. Your number, sir? Thank you.
Lot 39, then, ladies and gentlemen:
a candle from this house's production of "Rent" by M. John Larson.
Kat, have you been messing with the script?

KAT:
Not too much.

GABE:
HAPE - high altitude pulmonary edema.
When fluid presses on ones lungs because of a lack of air pressure.
To treat it - go down very quickly so the air pressure forces the fluid out of the subjects lungs before they die.

(Kat glares at him.)

GABE:
Oh yeah –
Showing here.

BEN:
(Sigh.)
Do I have ten francs? Five then. Five I am bid.
Six, seven. Clearly sir, seven.
Eight. Eight once. Selling twice.
Sold, to Monsieur Raoul de - Hey, it's Max! Ah, well, moving on -

Lot 40: a wet towel and five crème brulees,
from the 2005 production of "Point of No Return" by Sane Personage.

SP:
Oh lord.

KAT:
Heh heh. . .who, me, mess with the script?

BEN:
(Sigh. Again.)
T en francs for this. Ten, thank you.
Ten francs still. Fifteen, thank you, sir
Fifteen I am bid.
Going at fifteen. Your number, sir?

Lot 41, ladies and gentlemen:
a papier-mache musical box, in the shape of a barrel-organ.
Attached, the figure of a monkey in Persian robes playing the cymbals.
This item, discovered in the vaults of the theatre, still in working order, ladies and gentlemen.

GABE:
E equals energy, M equals mass, c2 equals the velocity of light in centimeters per second. Oh yes, and -
Showing here.

BEN:
May I start at twenty francs? Fifteen, then?
Fifteen I am bid. Sold, for thirty francs to the Vicomte de Chagny.
Thank you, Max. Um, I mean, sir.

MAX:
A collector's piece indeed . . . every detail exactly as that random fellow from the Princess Bride said . . .
That random fellow from the Princess Bride often spoke of you, my friend ....Your velvet lining, and your figurine of lead...
Will you still play, when all the rest of us are dead?

BEN:
(In response to Max. . .er, Raoul.)
Clearly.

Lot 42, then: a chandelier in pieces.
Some of you may recall the strange affair of the Phantom of the Opera:
a mystery never fully explained.
We are told, ladies and gentlemen, - um, wait. . .there aren't any ladies. Kat, I see you hiding in the rafters, and you do not count as a lady. Oh, fine. -
that this is the very chandelier which figures in the famous disahstah. Why do I have an English accent?

KAT:
Disahstah sounds way better than disaster.

BEN:
Oh, fine.

Our workshops have repaired it and wired parts of it for the new electric light,
so that we may get a hint of how it may look when reassembled.
Perhaps we may frighten away the ghost of so many years ago
with a little illumination, gentlemen?

KAT:
CUT!

BEN:
Aw, we're not doing the wonderful chandelier. . .(mad hand gestures) thing?

KAT:
That is in the movie, you. . .(thinks) spoffet toed chowgis!

(Suddenly the chandelier goes up in all its glory.)

MAX:
I guess that was the password.

KAT:
What? Movie?

MAX:
No, spoffet toed chowgis.

(Chandelier falls again. We are plunged into darkness, before returning to. . .

---

Red Sox: The Opera!

---

Cast In Order of Speaking

Max - Carlotta

Mickey - Chorus

Jazz - Chorus

Sane Personage - Chorus

David - Piangi

Gabe - Reyer

---

MAX:
This trophy from our saviours, from our saviours!
From the enslaving force of the YANKEES! Oh, DAMNIT!
Kaat, I can't say Rome. . .Why do I have to be Carlotta?

KAT:
Your voice is highest. Shut up and sing.

BEN:

Shut up. . .and sing?

WOMEN'S CHORUS (Mickey, Jazz, and the Sane Personage):
With hot dogs that fattening seem, tonight with sundaes with cream, we greet the victorious team, returned to bring a fan's dream!

MEN'S CHORUS (Gabe, Ben, Spencer, and David.):
The cheering of Sox fans resounds! Hear, Yankees, now and tremble! Hark to our slide on the ground!

ALL:
Hear the drums -- The Red Sox Fan comes!


To be continued. . .

I remain, gentlemen, your faithful and obedient servant,

J.G.