ALL YOUR ADVICE COLUMN ARE BELONG TO US

Dear Oscar Wilde,

Okay, old friend. Well, technically, we're not old friends, but I'm a big fan. Sorry, I know you must get this a lot. Anyway. I'm having some issues, and I was hoping you could help me work them out. Yeah, I know. Well, of course it's about men. You had your share of difficulties with them too, didn't you? That Lord Alfred Douglas, really.

So the point is, Oscar:

Why does life persist in sucking so abominably? Please respond promptly.

With all due respect,
Kat

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Dear Freud, Kinsey, Jung, and assorted other physcologistical persons of that sort of nature,

HELP ME!

Love,
Kat

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Dear Simone de Beauvoir,

Why are you on my mind so much lately?

Kisses,
Kat

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Dear small girl in the off the shoulder shirt that I saw at the Marmalade Café today,

Why are you wearing that shirt? You look like a minislut. You must be really cold, too. I'm sorry. Does your mom make you dress like that? I certainly hope not. I'm glad I was never like you. Why did children seem so androgynous while I was one? When did they lose that quality?

Love,
Kat

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Dear Stephen Sondheim,

I know that if you were here you would tell me what to do, or at least write a song about it that would make the world seem brighter generally.

Worshipfully,
Kat

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Dear Jonathan Larson,

About that whole dying thing.

WHY?

Affectionately,
Kat

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Dear Idina Menzel,

Stop. Just stop.

XOXO,
Kat

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Dear Kristin Chenoweth,

That goes for you too.

XOXO,
Kat

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Dear Paris Hilton,

I'm sure in some obscure way, this will all turn out to be your fault.

Damn you.

Furiously,
Kat

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Dear my generation,

Why are you all so stupid?

Inquiringly,
Kat

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Dear members of my generation who are not stupid,

Why do you either all hate me or live far away?

Plaintively,
Kat

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Dear Holden Caufield,

Any ideas?

Love,
Kat