And In The Beginning, Kat Said, "I Feel Heretic Today. What Can We Do With The Bible?"

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

Quickly God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file and environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.

Then God said, "Let there be light!"

Immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time.

God agreed and offered to call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night."

The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit."

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth."

The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was OK 'till God said the project would be completed in six days.

The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before...

At this point God created Hell.