Let's All Make Fun of Kat's Favorite Musical!

Yes, let's.

WARNING: If you are not at least a bit familiar with Sweeney Todd, the below will be totally and completely incomprehensible to you. This can't be too different than the rest of the blog, though, so knock yourselves out.


Sweeney Todd: Condensed!

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(Scene One: The Grave.)

Gravedigger One: Okay, here we go, let's dig it. . .(Strikes haphazardly with shovel.)

Gravedigger Two: Goddamnit, Bob, that was my foot!

Gravedigger One: (Gettin' his boogy on.) Hey now, can't you dig it? I can dig it.

Gravedigger Two: If you don't stop making that joke, I'm going to need to resort to drastic measures.

Policeman: Hurry up, the curtain's coming.

Gravedigger One: Come on, let's get off before the factory whistle -

Factory Whistle: (Blows everyone's eardrums.)

Gravedigger One: -blows our eardrums.

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(Scene Two: The Ballad of What Now?)

Soloist One: Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd! Hey, am I Toby, or some random guy, or what?

Soloist Two: Just sing. He kept a shop in London town. . .

Pallbearer One: Hey, should we be careful with the body of the main character?

Pallbearer Two: Nah, he's only one of Sondheim's greatest roles. (Dumps the body in the grave.)

Gravedigger Two: Hey! That's a NICE grave! Respect it!

Gravedigger One: Shut up, you nitwit.

Chorus: Sweeney Todd, y'know? Interesting guy, no? Neat, inconspicuous, scared rats by blinking through indeterminate methods, all good stuff. Subtle guy, too. Real interesting. There's more we could say, but you get the gist of it, right? RIGHT? SO WHY DOES THIS SONG HAVE SO MANY REPRISES?

Todd: ATTEND THE TALE OF -

Solo Guys: Who are you?

Todd: I'm Sweeney Todd. You know, the lead?

Solo Guys: My God, you've changed since the days of George Hearn! Your hair is all gone!

Todd: You know how it is as you age. But, anyway, I SERVED A DARK AND A VENGEFUL GOD!

Solo Guys: AND I WILL NOW PROCEED TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS PLAY!

Todd: Hey, no, man. Spoilers are bad.

Solo Guys: Awww, man.

Todd: You know, I think we're forgetting something. (Pause.)

Solo Guys: (Whisperage.)

Todd: Oh yes.

Full Company: SWEENEY TODD, THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET!

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(Scene Three: The Streets of London. Todd and Anthony have just arrived.)

Anthony: I am so happy! And handsome! And hyper! And other positively connotated words beginning with H!

Todd: Bah, humbug.

Anthony: Mr Todd, you're so silly! Can't you see London's beauty?

Todd: London sucks, in my opinion.

Anthony: Well, aren't you just Mr. London-sucks-in-my-opinion.

Todd: Um, yes.

Anthony: But you're so adorable anyway! (Pinches cheeks.) Do you need money?

Todd: Nah. . . (Spots the Beggar Woman.) Whoa, who is that hideously ugly creature? Do you think my behavior in this scene is dramatic irony at all?

Anthony: Naw.

Beggar Woman: Hey, you, sailor. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Anthony: EW. HAVE SOME MONEY AND GET AWAY FROM ME. MAJOR EW TO THE MAX.

Todd: OMG LOOK OVER THERE!

Anthony: What? What?

Todd: Now that you're distracted. . .Because I would not, of course, spill my life story to someone whose innocence I genuinely want to protect. . .There was a barber and his wife. . .(Proceeds to give the audience some major plot exposition, which is why anyone who walked in halfway through the first act of ST never understood a word of it.) I'm outta here.

Anthony: Call me, honey!

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And that's all I've got so far.

Quote of the Day

"I think we should have children."

- Kat. It's a really, really, long story. Well, not really.

Your good friend,

Sidhe Todd