The Elephants Cometh

I saw my grandfather's stomach before I saw my grandfather. It protruded like a leech on his body and it was all I could see through the window. It's gotten rather large since the last time I saw him. Scary. He greets me with, "Well hello Kathlyn, and how are you today?" Sorry about the italics, but that's the inflection my grandfather uses. My grandmother isn't as bad, and greets me with, "Oh, dear, did you enjoy the tic-tac-toe set?"

I think that rather needs an explanation. My grandmother is notorious for giving very strange gifts. For example, baby blankets for everyone, and I mean everyone. And not just any baby blankets - furry ones with a dog's head on one end and a dog's rear on the other. I got a chocolate lab. Fortunately, my Aunt Billiana liked them. We all gave them to her. And then there were the bunny slippers. . .and triceratops slippers, and wildebeeste slippers. . .but enough of that. For Christmas last year, I recieved from my grandmother; a neck warmer in the shape of a stocking, a slinky in the shape of a standing zebra, and a crystal cast tic-tac-toe set. If you doubt me, I'll take digital pictures of them and show them to you. (Though I did toss the slinky away.)

"Yeah, grandma, loved the tic-tac-toe set. Played for hours."

"Oh, I'm so glad! You know, I wasn't sure, but I figured it out and. . .I'm so glad!"

"Righto."

And so it went. But it was during dinner time that I snapped, upon learning the name of my friend Jenny's new boyfriend. "His name is what? You must be kidding. There's just too many of them! This can't be real!" But it could. There are now officially too many people named Ben in this world. We have Ben W., Ben B., another Ben B., and now Ben my friend's boyfriend. This isn't right, I tell you. Not, of course, to mention Ben Affleck and David's friend Ben. . .And that is why you must change your name.

So I'm ranting at my dear conservative Christian grandparents about how there are too many Bens in the world. Unsuprisingly, they did not take terribly well to this, probably because my grandfather is named Ben. As punishment, I endured twenty minutes of awkward silence and inedible food at the dinner table, and then they tried to force me to go to church with them.

"Grandma, I'm Wiccan. Remember? I told you last time you were over here."

"Wiccan? Darling, is that a kind of actress?"

"No, Grandma, it's a religion."

"Oh, well, that's nice dear. Here, get in the car, we're off to church."

Suffice it to say I didn't come.

That night's Sunday dinner was the worst of all. We met the lobster. No, really. Brooke, our cook, insisted upon bringing home a rather large lobster for mother's day dinner. Why did she bring it home alive instead of buying a dead one? Either she's a sadist who enjoys watching lobsters being boiled to death or, as she said, lobsters are better fresh. Even the word fresh sounds bad there, like. . .I don't know what.

Erik: Kat, if you're this squeamish about lobsters, what about when it takes the time to Punjab your respective Buquet?

Kat: I would have no problem whatsoever killing Kevin McNally. He left Johnny Depp to die on the island with a man with bad tastes in hats and a monkey named Jack, not to mention the gold.

Erik: . . .Er.

But getting back to the subject. Poor lobster. I then had extreme difficulty eating my lobster, therefore the quotes of the day are:

"I find it highly awkward to eat someone I've met."

- Kat

It reminded me inexorably of that bloody cow from Restraunt at the End of the Universe. . .(Twitch.)

And this one from the Hunchback of Notre Dame Disney movie, because Tessa and Allie were watching it and this line made me laugh.

"Ah, Paris. The city of lovers is glowing this evening. True, that's because it's on fire, but still. . ."

- A Gargoyle Who Is Apparently Nameless

Because I'm Kat and this is the sort of morbid thing that amuses me.

Regarding the elephants. They're finally gone and I can live in peace. Well, not exactly. Next up, a rather strange post about human nature.

I remain, gentlemen, your faithful and obedient servant,

J.G.