So Quick Bright Things Come To Confusion

I bet you're wondering about the title. I just happen to like that quote, and as bright things are currently coming to confusion, I thought it appropriate.

First order of business. I would like to welcome another person to the elite ring of the commentors. And this personage is: Ben's Mom, AKA, Anonymous. Thank you for the Alanis Morrisette lyrics, and may you never be Punjabbed. Keep your hand at the level of your eyes. In an ideal world, there'd be a gift, but all I can offer you is an equal share of Ben's muffins and plushies. Whether he'll give them to you, who can say, but at least I offered them.

On to the blog!

There are three impossible and therefore pointless things in the world. The first is to convert Max from the worship of Diet Coke. The second is to understand Ben, all the time. The third is hockey. And now, for your entertainment, some dubiously funny episodes from today's hockey game during Fizz Edd.

Ethan: (Playing goalie.) Kat! Hit the ball!

Kat: I'm trying, but the other team keeps getting in the way!

All right, so I had a blonde moment. As do we all. Besides, I was tired and we were playing hockey. Give me a break.

Kat: You know, I think your team has an unfair advantage, Ben.

Ben: . . .

Kat: You know what you're doing and we don't.

By that point, however, we actually did know what we were doing. We were losing.

Coach H.: Kat, just pretend it's water basketball.

Kat: But I can't!

Coach H.: Why?

Kat: There's no water. And I sense a discernible lack of basketballs.

Other fascinating highlights from the last few days? Well, I discovered the world's worst insult. Now, fop is a great insult. Classic. And our dear Erik has heard too many times the dreaded accusation of "freak," a problem I unfortunately can identify with. Fat, stupid, ugly, tall, girly, etc., etc., etc.. And I know Ben knows the "B-tch" theory. In case, you're not familiar, I shall explain.

Many men are afraid of powerful women. Now, this is a bit of a neccessary generalization. I'm not saying that all men fear powerful women. Obviously Ben and Max don't, or they wouldn't come within ten feet of me. My dad doesn't, because have you ever met my mother? But I'm afraid most men are a little unnerved by women in power. Why do I say this? Why do you think on Fifty Cent's videos there are always really scantily clad girls, and why does he glorify abuse of girls in his music, just like most rappers? Because powerful women creep them out, so they create new ideals of women that they like. Repeat, I'm not saying all guys are like that. They're becoming more reasonable now.

Another example? Well, why do you think most of the guys in the grade are scared of me? Yes, I realize this is blatant self flattery. My ambition scares guys most of the time, because I might beat them at something. Most likely water basketball or riddle games.

Now. Most guys, in my experience, don't like it when you beat them. Most girls don't like it either. It's just that the typical male reaction is to say something along the lines of, "B-tch."

(Uncomfortable yet? Good.)

One day I got tired of hearing that one. I mean, really, can't they be more creative? Call me "foolish addle-pated maggoty trogdolyte" or something? But no. It was always just that, with the occasional, "d-ke," or "sl-t." I think it should be obvious that I'm not a lesbian or overly flirtacious, so I can let those last ones slide. But the first one started to bug me, especially when guys tried to pretend it was just a mispronunication of "witch" after I threatened to Punjab them.

So I formulated the "B-tch" Theory. When a girl is intelligent or successful, she is called a b-tch. So I think we can safely redefine it, yes?

B-tch - n. - A successful or powerful woman, with the unfortunate tendency to win a little too much. [Also - Bizotch, biatch, biotch, or any number of synonyms]

I have reconciled myself to being a b-tch. Oh, well. I've heard variations on it from "unimaginable," from David, to "tall," from a short Hungarian boy, but as far as I'm concerned, they're all roughly synonymous.

So the next time you hear that insult, just think of the J.G. and her random theory, and smile.

But anyway. About the insult I have created. "Lime green." Yes, lime green. That is now the greatest insult in the world. Why, you may ask, is lime green such a great insult? Well, as we all may or may not know, depending on our level of geekiness, Erik greatly enjoys insulting Nadir. One day I was writing a line of dialouge for him in a phan fiction, and this came out. "You pigheaded, nosy, obstinate, lime green -"

I stared at the computer. Wait, what? Lime green? Why would Erik call Nadir lime green? I looked at my hands as if they'd typed it by themselves. I asked Erika and Ely about it. They merely smiled secretively. Oh, well. Generally Erik creates good insults, so why not? Lime green. Haha. Victory.

Er, right.

I remain, gentlemen, your faithful and obedient servant,

J.G.