In Which Kat Is Mean. Sorry.

Up until now, my friends, I have been veritably nice. I mean, for the Godawful.net forums, I'm fairly warm and fuzzy. This, therefore, is my first snarking/sporking of a fic. To snark or to spork is to read a badfic and make snarky comments about it.

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I hadn't realized that there were still PotO fics lying around in the Musicals/Plays section at the Pit of Voles. Technically, if they're ALW based, it's their proper place, but phans tend to cheat a bit. Well, here you are, ladies and gentlemen, I present One Rose. (That's a link. No, not that, that.)

Shoulda stayed away. Behold, the cast list.


The Fanbrat Known as ThePhantomIt14 wrote:
Christine: Emmy Rossum( I’m using all the people from the movie... pretend they’re about 20 years older!)

Raoul: Patrick Wilson

Erik the Phantom: Gerard Butler

Meg Giry: Jennifer Ellison


Welcome and salutations to the Department of Redundancy Department. May we have your permission and consent to serve you and take your order and request?


Elena: Anne Hathaway

Alexandria: Alexis Bledel


Elena and Alexandria are two of Christine and Raoul's Sue!Children. Yes, every single child is a Sue. With sweeping long hair, blue grey eyes, everything. And is it me, or are Elena and Alexandria, not to mention Joy, the youngest de Chagny Sue, both all Sue!Names, and also, not French names?

And you know it's bad when the love interest, supposedly Erik's son, is none other than. . .


Christopher: Orlando Bloom

There may be more characters later. I haven’t exactly planned this out yet.


Oh dear.


Elena’s bare feet tingled as they repeatedly hit the cold, hardwood floor. She ran into the parlor, looking around. Sitting by the crackling fire, sat her lovely, 8 year old sister, Joy. Joy was a lot younger than Elena, who was 19, and Alexandria, who was 13. Joy looked up, her blue-gray eyes twinkling.


Damn her, abusing these numbers to work as words. They're not equipped! Are you even paying them above minimum wage?

And "tingled as they repeatedly hit the cold hardwood floor," is just. . .strange.

After this, Christine and Raoul present their wonderful Sue daughter with a lovely necklace and an audition announcement for - shocker of shockers! - HANNIBAL! Why is it always Hannibal? Can't they just research for just one opera? There are so many. . .save my soul, I beg of you. What's wrong with Die Zauberflote? Or Otello? Or Don Giovanni? That last even fits with the Don Juan motif!

Oh yes. Fanbrat - research - right. Silly me.


“We thought it was time that you auditioned for a show. Your voice is as beautiful as mine, and your acting skills are better. You will definatly be a Prima Donna.”


There is, of course, no prior mention of any training beforehand. At all.

As the de Chagny girls recieve their OMG t3h pw3tty gifts (ballet shoes for Joy, and paints for Alexandria, who is called, for some reason, Ally - in the 1800s? WTF?) their true speshulness is revealed.


Ally was a fantastic artist, and Joy was the best 8 year old ballerina around. Her parents always joked that she should have been a Giry and not a de Chagny. As for Elena, she had the most beautiful soprano voice, exactly like Christine’s.


Because the Girys are, of course, the only people who ever dance. Ever. Don't go all "little Jammes," on me, elitist!


“Santa came” she whispered.


"And he stole all the commas."


“Let’s wake Ally up”


"Perhaps she can tell us where the commas have gone!"


“Ok.” Elena agreed.


Ok? In the 1800s?

And on to the next chapter. . .


Ok. Just to let you guys know, I’m adding 3 new characters on request of my friends.


GAFFers, man your sporks! Be ready to headdesk at the slightest provocation!


Emmaline- My friend, Courtney

Caroline- My other friend, Sarah


These are, apparently, provided so we can find out what they look like. Because everyone knows her friend, Courtney, and her other friend, Sarah.


Timothy- Tom Felton


I warned you.

*Headdesk*

Kat be too tired to snark it further. 'Till then, my dear GAFFers.

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Ben: Kat! KAT! Don't leave! It's not done yet!

Kat: (Sticking her head back in.) What? What?! What do you want?

Ben: You forgot - oh, never mind. . .

Kat: Daroga. . .oy.

(Both exit.)

(Erika tramps in from offstage, carrying a large sign.)

Erika: (Muttering.) Always, always. Every time, her and Ely get carried away. Thinking about cherrybloodyade and bloody pirates bloody of bloody the bloody carribean.

(She plants the sign in the dirt before you. It reads:)

Quote of the Day

"Cogito, ergo snark."

- Anonymous

I remain, gentlemen, your faithful and obedient servant,

J.G.